What I've Learned About Myself Thanks to the Israeli Health System

As a resident of a country whose primary language isn't my own and where the health system is very different, I often have challenges when needing to get things done.

Seeing a doctor that speaks English is so amazing, you have no idea. We completely take it for granted in the US when our doctor speaks the same language as us. Not only that, but having to listen to phone systems in a different language and understanding what number to press can be very difficult. I love that I don't have to pay for things (taxes do) but it is so frustrating having to take one paper from the doctor to the central health insurance office and then getting another paper to bring to a lab to get a test. At all of these offices, you take a number and sit and wait for a while. Keep your patience but be assertive. It's ok to be pushy but not enough to frustrate the person who will serve you. Also, you have to be patient while the clerk chats with a coworker, looks at someone else's chart, makes a phone call, ANSWERS THEIR OWN PERSONAL CELL PHONE, or just is going pretty slowly. You, as a customer, are obviously second to their own priorities. Offices aren't open every day, all day, and it's your own fault if you don't know which days they are open. It's not the problem of the clerk if you can't come on the day that they are open.

It is nothing like that in the US. I will gladly wait a little longer or pay a little more to have GOOD customer service, to have to go to only ONE office to get something done, where things actually arrive in the post when they are supposed to, and you don't have to worry about figuring out which office you have to go to next, what words you need to know in order to get your point across, and if you will be helped.

Even so, I have learned to pay attention here. If you for just one minute walk away or get on the cell phone, you will lose your turn (or anger everyone else while you "cut" in line since you missed when your number was called). I have learned to be aggressive when I need to, even if I can't speak the language. I have learned to ask questions and explain things that you would be asked in the US, though it isn't always part of the standard things to discuss here - allergies for example when you are prescribed medication. I have also learned that doctors here openly acknowledge that they don't know everything and THAT'S A GOOD THING.

Kiddushin and the Queers

This week, a classmate of mine at Pardes wrote a blog post about Kiddushin, being a gay man, and how he might see this tradition actualized in his own future relationship.

I am a queer observant woman who is getting married to another queer observant woman, and my partner and I have discussed how to balance our queerness and halacha to some extent (there is a lot more to discuss) and in particular how we plan to bring Jewish tradition and halacha into our wedding.

Our beliefs and practices are informed by Orthodox Judaism, and it is important for Emet and I to have a traditional Jewish wedding as much as possible because we recognize the importance of tradition. That being said, we know that under Jewish law, our marriage will not be valid. So, we are having many discussions about which Jewish traditions we find appropriate and relevant to us and which ones we need to alter or eliminate all together.

Copyright White Rose Kallah

Traditions of a Jewish Wedding Ceremony:

• The couple does not see each other for a week prior to the wedding.
• The bride and groom go to the mikveh in order to enter into their marriage spiritually clean.
• Both the bride and the groom have separate rooms for guests to greet them prior to the wedding (kabbalat panim).
• The ketubah is signed by two Shabbat-observant men.
• After the kabbalat panim, the groom goes to the bride's room and places a veil on her, called the badeken, to symbolize that he is not solely interested in her physical beauty.
• Under the chuppah (the marriage canopy), there is the betrothal blessing (kiddushin) over wine, when the groom gives the bride a ring, and the nisu'in, when the husband unites with the wife under the chippah through the Sheva Brachot, or Seven Blessings.
• Following the ceremony, the couple goes to the yichud room, where they spend a few minutes together for the first time alone after the ceremony.

How we as a queer couple want to maintain tradition:

• We will not see each other for the week leading up to the wedding.
• We will go to a mikveh.
• While we plan to see each other prior to the Kabbalat Panim, in order to take pictures and to reduce the emotional impact of seeing each other for the first time after a week, we likely will have two separate rooms for the kabbalat panim.
• We are altering the kiddushin and the Sheva Brachot slightly to be more relevant and meaningful to us, though we are maintaining much of the wording.
• We will have the yichud, as well.
• We also have written our own ketubah text based upon traditional and modern texts to reflect our relationship.

What I've learned about Jewish tradition is that while we have customs that are passed down through history, each generation has changed them to be more relevant to their lives. You may not hear this from observant Jews, but even their practices have been informed by the commentators of a generation ago, and it is important for Emet and I, as a queer couple who wants to maintain tradition, to figure out a way to keep important aspects of it present in our wedding ceremony and our life.

There has been much discussion lately about religious GLBT people. Who we are, how we balance religious practice and being queer, and how we relate to each group (religious and GLBT people), as though they are separate identities. I'm very lucky that I can be an active member of both communities and that there are many, many queer Jews out there doing the exact same thing.

Cross-posted at Two Frum Queers, where we are writing about our experiences being Jewish, queer, and getting married.

Our NYE's Engagement Party

Our wonderful friends at Pardes threw us a New Year's Eve Engagement Party. We are so blessed to have friends and family who are supportive. I was telling our story to one of my classmates, and she explained how emotionally involved she is in our relationship. Many of our classmates feel very connected to us and our story, and more than one person has told me (and Emet) how they admire our relationship and want to establish a relationship as strong as ours. From the beginning, we have been very adamant about being ourselves and our happiness shows. People recognize it, for sure. We have explained our intentionality in our relationship to others, and it resonates with our friends and family.

Here are a few photos of our amazing NYE's engagement party: